Do you have difficulty saying no? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying no too because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

Whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had my own work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to a few hours and at the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say no extended to my students, colleagues and even not so-close friends.

After a while, I realised that all these times of not saying no (when I should have) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realised if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say no.

Why is it so hard to say no? Well, to start with, it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person you’re saying no to and that’s not usually a fun task. Second, if you hope to work with that person in the future, you’ll want to continue to have a good relationship with that person and saying no could jeopardise that.

People with low self-esteem very often lack the assertiveness to say no and think that they have to meet the expectations of everyone. It is very hard for them to set limits with others. They sometimes feel ashamed or guilty if they were to say no. But to do things against your will would only cause you to end up feeling resentful and being used.

Although it may feel uncomfortable to think about saying no, it's important to remember that each time you say yes to someone or something else, you are saying no to yourself and your priorities.

By saying no, though you might feel that others will feel offended or hurt (and it’s possible), you are also sending a strong message that you value your time, that you have priorities and that you also respect the person to whom you’re saying no to, as you don’t want to commit to something and then do a lousy job or not do it at all.

You might feel that it’s important to be polite but being nice by saying yes all the time, only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time, they will continue to do it. But if you erect a wall, they will look for easier targets. Show them that your time is well guarded by being firm and turning down as many requests as possible.

Your self-care is always a valid excuse to say no. Don't over-explain or defend your decision. Be graceful and honest. You might say something like, "I'm sorry, but it's just not possible for me to do that." or "I'll have to decline but thank you anyway." As you practise saying no, it will get easier.

So what is the worst that could happen by saying no? You might lose some people in your life who are used to you doing what they want. Find out if you are just doing someone else’s work or actually helping out that person in a time of need. You will find that by saying no to some demands, you make your life less stressful. Every person needs a little less stress in their life and by not saying yes to everything, you will free your time so that you can put in 100% of your efforts into a project that really means something to you.

At the end of the day, it’s about how you say no, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone else. Saying 'NO' is not being selfish. Saying 'NO' is about respecting and valuing your own time and space. Saying 'NO' is your birthright.